


people throw rocks at things that shine

by snowyxiu



Category: Kpop - Fandom, Monbebe, Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Cutting, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multiple Pairings, No Mercy, OT7, Platonic Relationships, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers, but they turn nice, changkyun is super sad, jookyun - Freeform, mainly them but also some other relationships, platonic for the most part!!!, the other members are mean, which is the real ship?????????
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-27
Updated: 2018-02-03
Packaged: 2018-08-11 04:37:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 17,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7876792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowyxiu/pseuds/snowyxiu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Changkyun can't live like this anymore, and slowly everyone catches on.</p><p> </p><p>((slow updates))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> WARNINGS: suicidal thoughts, cutting, depression, bullying  
> (more will be added if necessary) 
> 
> PLEASE do not read this if you are sensitive with these topics. i don't want any of you to get hurt.
> 
> this will be chaptered
> 
> ALSO those are, in fact, taylor swift lyrics. judge me
> 
> okay im done now

Changkyun really was heartbroken by the time he joined No Mercy. The bullying from the other trainees did not help the situation.

They failed to realize that he had been through his fair share of hardships, too. They could only focus on the fact that Changkyun had entered Starship Entertainment, joined their brutal survival show, and stolen the place of Gunhee and Seokwon. Changkyun knew they had the right to be mad, but he just wished that they could learn to accept him, or at least not torment him while in the dorm.

"Hey, Changkyun! Would you stop rapping? You sound like shit." Even through the closed door, Changkyun could still hear the low voice say, "Gunhee so would have been better."

Comments like that made Changkyun feel guilty. He wished that he had never joined Starship Entertainment. He wished that Nu'bility had just debuted and that he didn't have to know these boys. He wished that he had never followed his dreams, or destroyed another's dreams in the pursuit of his own. 

He wished that he had never been born on some days.

"I'm sorry," he called out, turning off his phone. Immediately after, the screen lit up with a message. His mother. _Changkyunnie, you haven't called us all month. Congrats on winning No Mercy! Maybe you could call us._

He answered quickly that they were busy, and that he would call when they weren't so preoccupied. It was a lie, in some ways. They were busy, true, but the work would only get harder as the time went on.

Changkyun was startled when the door opened abruptly, and he sat up so as to not seem rude.

"Kid, get out. I want to change," scowled Minhyuk.

"Yes," he answered meekly before leaving the room. The sound of his socks on the hardwood flood was enough to make the boys turn away from the TV and towards the intruder.

"Really, Changkyun," Wonho scolded, "you should be quieter when practicing. Or were you trying to make it sound worse?"

The youngest lowered his head in apology.

However, Wonho was very keen on making Changkyun feel embarrassed. "Answer me."

"I-I don't know what you mean. I was practicing my rap."

"Jeez, this kid's deaf as hell." The others chuckled at Wonho's words. "Whatever. I won't ask again. Just remember that you're on my bad side next time you try to sass me."

Changkyun nodded, although his insides were fuming. He was sure his face was red, since Hyungwon said, "He looks like he learned a lesson," as he was leaving to sit in the kitchen.

_Yeah, that you guys are a bunch of dimwits._

He wanted to leave. He wanted to terminate the contract with Starship and just go back home. Go to college. Work in a sweatshop. Anything seemed better than what he was going through with the trainees.

After a few minutes of peering through the corner of his eyes, he saw Minhyuk leave the bedroom; he quietly made a run for it. To his relief, no one stopped him on the way there.

Hours passed. He was all alone while everyone else sat in the living room, laughing and watching TV. Truly, he didn't mind being alone, considering the people he had to be around.

The sound of the door could be heard, and a chorus of, "Thank you, manager!" Changkyun cautiously stepped into the hallway to see what had caused the commotion. Takeout. Lots of it. Noodles and chicken and pizza.

"The kid may be deaf, but he's sure got a sense of smell," Wonho scoffed.

"Yeah. He always seems to want something."

Changkyun was about to retreat into his room when Kihyun spoke up.

"Come and get a piece of pizza, then leave. You can't eat more because your acne is starting to flare up. I think it's all those snacks you're having."

"I'm sorry," he mumbled. "Thank you, though." He shuffled over to get a slice of pizza.

Once again, he was alone.

The loneliness only lasted so long, though, as night came and the boys started going to bed. He lay as still as he could when Minhyuk and Jooheon stumbled in. The bunk under him shakes as his oldest roommate throws himself onto it. After that, there is silence once again.   
 

The next morning, Changkyun wakes up to find the room empty. Kihyun must have come through already, he thought. He was about to climb down from his bunk when the faithful alarm clock came in. "I'm guessing you're going to get dressed?"

He nodded.

"Good. We need to leave in ten minutes flat, so be quick about it." The older boy left the room after giving his orders.

There was no time for breakfast, as usual. For Changkyun, at least. The others had already enjoyed their meal, since Kihyun had told them to wake up. No one told Changkyun.

In the van, he squeezed himself as close to the window as he could. Hyungwon, who was sitting near him, squinted at his face.

"Shit, Kihyun is right. Your acne is getting disgusting. Don't you wash your face?"

"Yes. I'm trying make it go away."

"Try harder. You already—how do I put this—lack visuals. The zits are making your face even more repulsive." The model boy turned the other way.

"Hyungwon, you couldn't have said that a bit nicer?" Jooheon called from the passenger seat.

"Not really. It's the truth."

"Yes, but some things shouldn't be said, even if they're true."

The two bickered back and forth as if Changkyun was not there. The youngest hid his cheek with his shoulder and pushed his bangs down. They didn't realize that he was uncomfortable. They didn't realize that things bothered him, too.   
 

Practice went as usual. They danced for hours. Changkyun was specifically called out when he missed a move or was a second behind the group. He apologized, of course, even though Kihyun and Minhyuk were messing up more than he. Lunch came, and he was only allowed to have a little bit of the greasy food, because of his acne. Manager never brought healthy foods, so Changkyun was running on a slice of pizza from the night before, plus two chicken wings. It was not a surprise when he fell to his knees during their nth rehearsal of their debut song.

"Get up!" shouted Wonho, still dancing.

His legs shook. Instead of letting him stand, his knees gave out and he fell on his backside.  _Embarrassing_.

"What are you doing?" grumbled Shownu. Slowly, everyone stopped dancing, but not because they were concerned.

The look on their face was annoyance.

"I–I'm sorry," Changkyun stuttered. He brought a hand to his pounding head and attempted to stand again.

Jooheon walked towards the boy on the floor. "Uh, guys, I think he's done for today. Like, seriously."

Wonho turned off the music angrily. "What do you mean, he's done for today? It's only 1 in the afternoon, for God's sake!"

"Yeah. He should get up! We always get up when we're tired; he can, too."

Jooheon stood beside Changkyun, who was hunched over the floor. "Can you get up?"

"I'm sorry—" he started.

"Can you get up? Answer me."

He pushed himself up from the floor. "Y–yes." He managed to take a wobbly step foreword. "I'm sorry."

Jooheon grabbed Changkyun by the arm, causing the latter to flinch. "He can't dance like this. We're going to kill him before debut."

"If he can't handle this, do you think he can handle debut?" Minhyuk all but yelled. "If the kid isn't tough enough to handle a 6 hour practice, God help him when we're practicing from dawn until the middle of the night!"

Wonho stepped forward. "I agree with Minhyuk. What the hell were they thinking when they put him in the group? He doesn't know what we went through that whole time he wasn't in No Mercy. He's not as serious as we are."

"Stop it!" Jooheon yelled. "He's probable out of fuel since we didn't let him eat much. Think of how much food we had, and we are still tired. What about him?" When no one answered, Jooheon nodded. "That's what I thought. If you guys want to keep practicing, go ahead. I'm bringing Changkyun to go get food."

"Jooheon, you need to practice," Shownu ordered. "Manager is going to be pissed at us."

"Let him be mad! Changkyun can barely stand."

Changkyun began to step away. "Jooheon—"

The boy dragged Changkyun towards the door. "Don't argue with me!" The younger allowed himself to be pulled out of the practice room.

The two walked in silence, aside from the soft squeaking of their sneakers. Finally, as they were entering the elevator, Jooheon spoke up. "You need to take care of yourself. Even if the others say that eating will be bad for your acne, you need to eat."

"I'm sorry."

Jooheon rolled his eyes. "Stop saying that. I'm tired of it."

I'm sorry, he thought.

They shield exited the elevator, although it was still difficult for Changkyun. Jooheon wrapped one of the younger's arms around his own shoulder to help him. "I don't want you to get the wrong idea," he mumbled. "I won't forgive you, ever, for taking Gunhee's spot, but I've decided that I need to look beyond that. You're a person like the rest of us, and you deserve to be treated like one."

Changkyun was shocked. He had never thought that Jooheon would say that he was willing to look beyond Changkyun's inconvenient timing. He was willing to be nice to him. Maybe he would have a friend.

"Thank you, Jooheon," he answered quietly. "Really, I'm so thankful—" his voice broke, and he decided to end his sentence there.

"No problem. I–I hope you can forgive me for being such an asshole for all that time. And, maybe, we can forget all that stuff about each other and try to be friends." He was met with silence. "I don't expect you to be very comfortable with me, since I wasn't very comfortable with you at first, but—Are you crying?"

Changkyun turned his head away. "Can we really be...friends?"

"Yes. Now, why are you crying?" His voice squeaked with concern, and he ushered Changkyun to a cafeteria table. Food could wait a few minutes.

The youngest shook his head. "I haven't had a real friend in such a long time. Really, Nu'bility was my first friend since I was in elementary school, and since then..." He wiped at his eyes.

"Nu-what?"

Changkyun stared at his new friend in shock. "Do you guys not know about Nu'bility? Didn't anyone tell you?"

Jooheon stopped and looked Changkyun in the eye. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Suddenly, Changkyun did not feel like explaining. He wished Nu'bility had debuted, and that he didn't need to meet anyone in Starship (despite the fact that Jooheon was respecting him and trying to be friendly). However, he needed to tell the boy. "I almost debuted," he mumbled. "Two years ago... It was me and some other guys in a group called Nu'bility. The company didn't have enough money to debut us, so we had to disband."

Jooheon's eyes widened. "Wow... I don't think anyone knew that, honestly. We just thought that you kinda came in with some training but...that's a lot." He leaned forward in his chair. "That must suck."

Changkyun nodded. "I wish—fuck it."

"You wish you had debuted with them?" Jooheon guessed.

"Y–yeah. Sorry."

"I don't blame you. It's gonna get better though. I'll make sure. Someone just needed to be the mature one and accept you. Never thought I'd end up being the nature one in the group. The others will catch on." There was a second where neither boy said anything. "Ah, I'll get you some food. Any special orders?"

"Um, something that's not greasy. I don't want my skin to get worse. And just a water, please."

"Ok. It's on me. Think of it as an apology."

A few minutes passed and Jooheon came back with a soup, some chicken, and a bottle of water. "Dig in. The chicken's not gonna be too bad for your skin 'cause it's not greasy. It won't destroy your face."

Changkyun nodded and began eating.

"You know," Jooheon began. He could never seem to keep quiet, and Changkyun was honestly okay with that. "Hyungwon was wrong. You're not ugly."

Changkyun almost spit out his soup.

"I mean, you've got acne, that's for sure...and it's pretty bad looking. And your eyes always look a little hollowed out and tired. But that's just temporary. You look pretty good."

"Thank y–you," he stuttered. Despite the complement, he hunched his shoulders and pulled up his hoodie. Any mention of his acne reminded him of the torture that was middle school.

"Why do you do that? I said something nice," the other complained.

Changkyun simply shrugged and went back to eating.

"Whatever. I'm going to call the others and tell them that I'm bringing you home."

Changkyun shook his head quickly. "No! They'll be furious."

"You shouldn't work yourself right now. I'm still not sure you're ready to practice."

"Please? I don't want them to get mad at me. I've been gone long enough."

"Fine," Jooheon agreed. "After you eat and drink that water, we'll go back up."

Sure enough, they went back upstairs the moment Changkyun had finished eating. The boys in the practice room were dripping with sweat, and when they noticed the door open, the music was turned off by Wonho. "Wow, he actually came back."

"Too bad he didn't go to the hospital," Minhyuk stated.

Jooheon scowled. "Shut up. He really might have fainted if we made him dance any longer. He could barely walk down the hallway to the cafeteria."

"Weak," mumbled Hyungwon, who promptly turned towards the mirror to fix his clothes.

"I–I'm going to practice now."

"Oh, no! God forbid you practice, or you might feel faint again!" Wonho said sarcastically.

Shownu managed to get everyone to quiet down, saying that they should be glad that they could practice all together (they still gave Changkyun dirty looks when he didn't do the moves exactly). It was just as torturous as before. Changkyun almost came to believe that he had not just made a friend.

Getting back into the van at 6 pm was one of the best things that could have happened. Jooheon sat near him instead of Wonho and he babbled on about various things. The youngest breathed a sigh of relief knowing that he did, in fact, have a friend. The others didn't say anything about it.

At the dorm, everyone took turns in the shower. Changkyun was obviously last. He sat in his room while he waited, but he wasn't alone. Jooheon played games on his phone. Changkyun stared at the ceiling, a hand drawing circles in the air. For once, he felt safe in the dorm.

Jooheon's turn to shower came, and Changkyun was left to that familiar feeling of loneliness and fear. Minhyuk came into the room and looked at Changkyun laying on the bed. "Did you really need to make such a scene? Are you that weak that you needed to make things up?"

"W–what do you mean?" Changkyun asked timidly. "I wasn't acting like I was sick. I would never—"

"Yeah right. Listen, you don't even know what it's like to dance for so long while you're starving. You aren't even skinny enough to be starving! Dancing for hours can only help you, so don't try to get out of it again."

"I'm sorry."

"I know you aren't. I bet you'll do it again." The boy clenched his fist. "I don't even know how you find the will to live, being like you are. You would be better off dead!"

 _You just needed to say that, didn't you?_ Changkyun could feel the tears filling his eyes, but he couldn't cry in front of Minhyuk. He wouldn't cry and show that he was weak.

Suddenly, Jooheon came into the room. "Changkyunnie, you can—"

"Why are you being so nice to him?" Minhyuk yelled. "H–he...he—" The oldest stuttered over his next words, which were completely ineligible to his two roommates, and his eyes darted from corner to corner. A hand reached up to rub his eyes and he turned to Changkyun. If the boy looked closely, he could see some sort of regret in Minhyuk's eyes. Nevertheless, if he regretted his words, he didn't show it.

Changkyun was terrified as he climbed down the steps of their bunk bed. Thankfully, nothing happened, and he shuffled to the bathroom.

He pulled off his shirt and looked in the mirror. All of those feelings of self hate began to come back to him. He remembered all of the bullies in school and how they would say things like "You have so many pimples," and, "For the son of a professor, you're really dumb." He remembered all of the times that he wanted to just leave everything behind and die. It was somewhat hard to forget those days (the scars on his hips didn't help) and Minhyuk's words further worsened the problem.

The only people who knew about his insecurities, about his darkest secrets and worst feelings, were his friends from Nu'bility. They worked to break Changkyun's bad habits, and help him love himself. And it had worked for a while. For a long time, he found no reason to hurt himself; he felt okay.

But not anymore. He was breaking and miserable, and Minhyuk's harsh words were enough to push him over the edge. 

He did it. He destroyed his new razor to get to the blade. He cut into his skin for the first time in three years.

Changkyun didn't say a word when he left the bathroom. He didn't say a word when Jooheon whispered, "Goodnight, Changkyunnie." He pretended to be asleep.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is not completely done (just has 1 more part...really short so dont worry). i'm going to work on it tonight and tomorrow, and hopefully post it by tomorrow night (its 9 pm here lol)  
> look forward to chapter 2.5 lmao

The next morning was not like the rest. He woke up to Jooheon's finger brushing his cheek. "Wake up, kitty." Changkyun opened his eyes a crack. "You look like a kitty when you sleep. I wish I didn't have to wake you up 'cause it's so  _ cute _ ." He said the last part in a squeaky voice and tapped a finger on Changkyun's nose.

"Th–thanks for waking me up."

"No problem. Uh, do you want me to bring you breakfast?"

Neither of them wanted to say it, but they both knew that the other boys would be uncomfortable if Changkyun ate with them. He had never actually been woken up early enough to have breakfast, and everyone seemed use to it. It would be safest to eat alone in his room.

"Yes, please. Just a little, though."

Jooheon gave a thumbs up. Waiting, Changkyun ran his fingers around the sensitive flesh of his hips. "Here ya go, kitty!" Jooheon said loudly. The youngest hadn't even heard the boy walk over and he almost jumped off the bed out of fear.

"Thank you!" he yelped.

Jooheon put the plate on Changkyun's bed and climbed up the ladder. "I'm gonna sit with you, if that's okay." Leaning against the wall, he took out his phone to play a game while Changkyun ate.

Heavy footsteps could be heard down the hall, and soon Minhyuk came into the room. He noticed the two on the bed, but turned away quickly.

"Hi, Minhyuk," Jooheon greeted.

Minhyuk stood still for a moment before turning to face Changkyun again. "I–I said something terrible last night." The boy already had tears streaming down his face. "I would h–hate it if I was responsible for your d–d–death all because I was stupid and mad and I wanted to teach you a lesson...e–even though you've done nothing wrong!"

He reached a hand up to wipe his tear stained cheeks and, with his free hand, grabbed onto Changkyun's wrist. "I h–hate it when I hate people, so I don't want to hate you any more. I'm tired of making sure I only say mean things when, really, I just...want someone to cuddle with, and since you're the youngest in this group now, I can't resist it any longer, and...and..."

Changkyun stroked Minhyuk's hand (which still had a death grip on his wrist). "It's okay. I know why you were mad at me."

"But I'm not even mad anymore! I'm just being mean, and it's too hard on me...on you." Minhyuk's tears were rushing out in waterfalls, and Changkyun could feel his own eyes beginning to burn. "I'm sorry!" he managed to squeak.

"Thank you."

It took a while to calm Minhyuk down. Fifteen minutes had passed and the boy was still gasping for air and wiping the few tears that continued to fall. Jooheon snuck into the bathroom a few times to get a cold washcloth, although all three knew that nothing would put down the swelling in his red eyes.

A while later Kihyun called, "Come on, it's time to leave."

Changkyun could tell that Minhyuk was embarrassed, either because of his disheveled appearance or out of fear that the other boys heard him cry. Minhyuk wrapped an arm around the youngest’s waist, who in turn hissed in pain.

"Something wrong? I–I'm sorry." Thinking that he had simply made the other uncomfortable, Minhyuk pulled his arm away.

"No, you're fine. My muscles hurt from yesterday, that's all." He pulled Minhyuk's arm over his shoulder. "This is better."

Minhyuk rustled Changkyun's hair and mumbled something about the youngest being a baby, but Changkyun wasn't listening.

He was thinking about the fresh cuts that marred his sides. About the degrading words from the night before; then about the apology. The boy who had bullied him until he broke was now someone who wanted to consider him a friend. Of course, he would be his friend and accept his apology, but the damage was done. 

He pulled away from Minhyuk when they entered the living room. The others were already waiting, backpacks and water bottles in hand.

"We're going to the gym today," Shownu announced, "instead of dance practice. I talked to Manager about yesterday, and he said that we could all use a workout to improve our muscles and stamina and such."

Wonho rolled his eyes. "Like the rest of us need to work out." He shot an angry look towards Changkyun.

Without another word, they were on their way to the gym. Changkyun ended up in the backseat sandwiched between Minhyuk and Jooheon. They talked as if they were old friends and ignored the other members' scowls.

The gym seemed like a fairly welcoming place. The lady at the front desk was nice, and she even lead them to the weight lifting area. Only a few men were lifting and the women were all on treadmills and such. The group had no trouble, and Changkyun was beginning to like working out.

That is, he liked it until Wonho ordered, "Hey, kid, go use the real weights like a real man. The machines are nothing."

Changkyun nodded slowly and followed Wonho to the bench press. He watched in shame as the older removed the twenty pound weights on each end. "I think the pole alone is too heavy for you. Do you ever work out?"

The younger didn't answer and decided to get it over with. To his embarrassment, lifting the pole was terribly difficult and he almost dropped it onto his chest. It terrified him, to say the least, and his legs flailed as he tried to regain balance. Wonho crossed his arms and looked away as if he hadn't seen his struggle. Jooheon yelped and put the weight back onto the rack.

Then, Changkyun watched in horror as Jooheon pulled down the end of his shirt. Considering the look of surprise on his face, Changkyun concluded that the boy had seen the thing that he hadn't wanted to show any of the group.

Wonho sighed and rubbed his temples. "I don't want to do this." With that, he walked away.

Wonho probably saw, too. He would have stayed, but he probably didn't want to get involved in the youngest's personal life.

"C–can you spot for me?" Changkyun asked timidly. He hoped that he could get Jooheon's mind away from that.

However, the other boy was not going to completely ignore anything. "One round, and then we need to talk."

"Okay.”  _ Not okay _ .

For once, Changkyun wished that his workout had lasted longer. Jooheon carefully put the weight onto the rack and helped Changkyun up. "Bathroom?"

The youngest nodded and allowed himself to be dragged behind the closed doors of the restroom. "Is there something you should tell me?" Jooheon asked after a stretch of silence.

Changkyun shook his head. _ I don't need to tell you anything _ . Nevertheless, tears filled his eyes and he managed to say, "I’ve been clean for three years. Really.”

Jooheon was too smart for his own good. “Changkyunnie, I think I saw fresh cuts.” He waited, but got no response. “Did you start again?”

Changkyun nodded.  _ How do I always manage to embarrass myself? _

“What happened?”

By now, Changkyun’s last bit of pride had disappeared, along with his will to hold back tears. He tried his hardest to keep his voice down and avoided the pathetic blubbering noises he always made when crying. "I–I only cut yesterday, really. It was because of something Minhyuk said...b–but he apologized. It's okay."    
  
"No it's not," Jooheon stated, shaking his head. "What did he say?"    
  
"I would be better off dead... And I'm not—I'm fat." By now, Changkyun gave up on keeping his composure and his voice became thick with tears. "Jooheon, I know it sounds so stupid. He didn't even say anything terrible, but I still feel...I believe him. And I believed that stuff even before he said it. I should just be dead, because I’ve made everyone’s life harder just by being in the group. I'm too fat and ugly, like Hyungwon said, and I shouldn't be in an idol group. I–I'm sorry."    
  
Jooheon pulled paper towels from the dispenser and handed them to the other. "Don't even say you're sorry. I don't wanna hear that anymore, because every time you say it, it's for a stupid reason. If anyone should be saying sorry, it's all of us who’ve made you feel worthless, when you really mean so much. You can't be replaced, you know that? They’ll find out soon enough what a great person you are, okay?”

They stood quietly while Changkyun wiped his eyes with the crumbled tissues. Thankfully, Jooheon broke the silence. "You know, Changkyun, don't let their words get to you. None of its true. You aren't fat or ugly. Actually,” he chuckled, “you're pretty attractive.”

Changkyun thanked him, although he did not completely believe that Jooheon was telling the truth.”   
  
The older shifted uncomfortably. "Um, as important as your mental health is, I need to ask about the...ah—"   
  
"Cuts?"    
  
The boy nodded. "Yes. Are they really bad? Because if they are, I want to bring you back home so we can clean them."   
  
The last thing Changkyun wanted was to leave the gym. He had already caused trouble by leaving the practice room the day before, and he didn't want to deal with the angry members again. (And this time, he  _ really _ did not want to explain.) "I'm fine," he assured.    
  
However, Jooheon was not easily convinced. "C–can I see?"   
  
He stared at Jooheon for a while before nodding. What did he have to lose? The boy had already seen a little bit, so it shouldn't be too hard to show the rest. Nevertheless, Changkyun couldn't bring himself to lift up his shirt, so he put his hands behind his back and closed his eyes. Soon, he could feel Jooheon lift up the end of his shirt just a little.    
  
"Th–that's it, right?" Jooheon asked hopefully. His voice sounded so disturbed that Changkyun felt terrible for putting his squeamish friend through this, but he just shook his head, eyes still closed.    
  
Changkyun waited as Jooheon lifted his shirt in a painfully slow manner. When it finally reached the top of his chest, he nodded.    
  
"Changkyun—"    
  
"Don't tell anyone. Even now, when it's just you, I'm so embarrassed.”

“Why would I tell anyone? It's not my business to go telling your secrets.”

Changkyun wiped his eyes.  “You’re really amazing, you know.” He meant it.

“And you’re even more amazing.” Jooheon meant it, too.

  
  


“You were really pathetic,” Hyungwon mentioned at lunchtime. “I saw you almost kill yourself trying to lift that weight. Heck, it wasn’t even a weight! Are you seriously too weak to hold it? Even I can hold it with no problem.”

 

The youngest simply shrugged. He really did not want to get involved in an argument that he knew he couldn’t win. Plus, Wonho’s steadfast glare was somewhat disturbing, and made him feel self-conscious.

 

“Hey, leave him alone,” Minhyuk said, playfully slapping Hyungwon’s arm.

 

Hyungwon swatted his hand away. “Since when did you like him? You said that nothing would ever make you talk to him, and here you are.”

 

Minhyuk glanced nervously at Changkyun. “Well, yeah, but I said that when I was frustrated and nervous and stuff. But I’m not frustrated anymore, so why keep bothering the kid?”

 

If Changkyun looked closely, he could see that each member was pondering Minhyuk’s words. However, it wasn’t brought up again.

  
  


After lunch, they went to the practice room for a few hours. Shownu decided that they had been working out for long enough and that they were all tired The beautiful words “Let’s go home,” echoed in Changkyun’s ears, even after they arrived at the dorms. He had never been so grateful for Shownu.

 

Immediately, he hid away in his room and pulled Jooheon with him. “Can you help me?” he asked in a low voice.

 

“Sure. I’ll go get the first aid kit and make sure Minhyuk is busy.”

 

Five minutes later, Jooheon returned with the little white box. “Sit on the bed and take off your shirt. It’ll be easier that way.”

 

Changkyun obeyed, pulling off his shirt and stationing himself on the bed, facing away from the door.

 

Clicking his tongue, Jooheon poured a bit of medicine on a cotton ball. “You know,” he said, holding up the bottle with one hand, “I’m not going to think you’re weak because of this. You’re still going to be the same to me.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Jooheon began working on Changkyun’s cuts. He squeezed the younger’s hand as he applied astringent to the wounds.

 

“Ah…ow,” Changkyun hissed. The medicine stung, and it was almost more painful than the blade itself.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

An excruciatingly long time passed (in reality, it took less than five minutes) and the medicine was finally applied. Jooheon reached up to brush away a tear that had escaped Changkyun’s eye; however, the door burst open before he could continue.

 

“Guys, it’s your turn to—” Kihyun stood frozen in the doorway, and the youngest didn’t dare turn around.

 

Jooheon jumped from the bed a bit too quickly, banging his head on the upper bunk in the process. “ _ Shit _ …Kihyun, can you please leave?” he attempted to ask politely.

 

“W-what is going on? Why is he…on your bed like that?”

 

Changkyun pulled Jooheon’s bedsheets over chest and peered over his shoulder. Kihyun’s face was red with embarrassment and his eyes wandered frantically.

 

“We were just sitting on the bed. Relax,” Jooheon said, although he didn’t sound relaxed. He sounded tense as he attempted to usher Kihyun back out the door, but the other wouldn’t budge.

 

“What did you do to him?”

 

“Kihyun,” Changkyun began.

 

The older boy stomped towards the bed. “Look at me when you talk.” He grabbed Changkyun’s shoulder and turned his body around, causing the youngest to let go of the sheet for a second. Kihyun let go and stumbled back a few steps. “Oh…”

 

Jooheon whispered, “Please leave.”

 

At that moment, Changkyun hated everything and everyone. He hated his scars and the words that made him cut again. He hated Kihyun for barging into the room, even though he knew that the other two were uncomfortable. He even hated Jooheon for befriended him and involving himself with his business. (Well,  _ hate _ was too strong a word for Jooheon.)

 

“Changkyunnie,” the former whispered after closing the door. “Are you okay?”

 

The youngest shook his head. “He saw it, and Wonho saw it, too, at the gym.” He rubbed his cheeks with hands and leaned into Jooheon, who was on the bed again. “I trust you, but I don’t trust them. They’re just going to make fun of me.”

 

“That’s not true,” Jooheon said, running a hand along Changkyun’s back. “If they do, I’ll tell Manager to cut them from the group. We need to be friends and support each other, and if they can’t do that, then they obviously can’t work with other people.”

 

Somehow, that cheered Changkyun up enough to joke and say, “You’re crazy.”

 

“I’m serious,” Jooheon stated, pulling away just long enough to see Changkyun’s face. “Are you 

going to be okay?”

 

Just as Changkyun nodded, there was a quiet knock on the door. “Guys?” Minhyuk’s muffled voice came.

 

“Wait a bit,” Jooheon called back. After that, he quickly went to work with the bandages. Maybe Changkyun was imagining it, but Jooheon’s fingers would linger on his skin for a few seconds before pulling away. It was comforting. Sadly, it came to an end and he had to pull his shirt back on. In the meantime, Jooheon let Minhyuk into the room.

 

The blonde took a seat on his own bed, across from Jooheon’s. “Did something happen? We could hear Kihyun talking to you guys, but we couldn’t understand what he said. Then, when he came out, he wouldn’t say anything at all and just kinda…um, curled up into a ball.” Minhyuk played with his fingers for a while. “Shownu had to carry him to bed.”

 

Jooheon and Changkyun gave each other a sad look. “I’ll let Changkyun explain if he wants to,” Jooheon said.

 

Changkyun didn’t want to explain, especially since three people already knew about his secret (which was three more than he wanted). However, Minhyuk was someone he had convinced himself to trust. He didn’t trust him as much as Jooheon, but it was more than the others.

“Minhyuk,” he started, unsure of what he would say. “Kihyun found out about something and he’s just very disturbed.” Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jooheon shake his head as if to remind him that he wasn’t disturbing. “I’ll explain tomorrow. I’m just…”

 

“Tired?” Minhyuk offered. “Are you sick?”

 

Changkyun shook his head. “Just tired, really. A lot has happened today.”

 

The oldest in the room shuffled over to Changkyun’s seat on the other bed. “That’s okay, my sleepy baby.”

 

_ What did he call me? _ Changkyun thought, although he allowed himself be swallowed up in Minhyuk’s arms.

 

“Go to sleep.” Dry lips met his cheek in a goodnight kiss. Jooheon, who had been sitting near him, looked away.

 

“Night, Minhyuk,” Changkyun said quietly, then turned to hug Jooheon, figuring the other didn’t want a kiss. “Goodnight, Jooheon. And thank you.”

 

Jooheon returned the hug. “No problem.”

  
Changkyun could easily change into his pajamas (meaning boxers and a t-shirt) from his top bunk, after telling the other two that he was too lazy to head to the bathroom. Once he was all settled, he pulled up the covers and drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please leave a comment i need to know if i've already disappointed you all


	3. two (continued)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok i know i said i would have this up a while ago but things were very busy (my grandmother was sick, i was at her house with no wifi, everything was dead and i was uninspired....if u needed to know) and then school came around. ik it was just the beginning of school but its really hard! not even class...its downloading textbooks thats hard. i spent 4 hours one night to download 2 books!!!!!!!! i still dont have 2 of my books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> anyways, sorry for 1. the rant, 2. the terribly late chapter, 3. the terribly written, terribly short chapter, 4. everything

_ Just do it. Jump _ . 

 

It was a terribly long drop from the top of the cliff; death would be the final outcome. To Changkyun, it sounded both terrifying and exhilarating. 

 

_ Jump. _

 

The voice rang in his head as he stood at the edge of the rocks. He could jump. Nothing was holding him back. He  _ should  _ jump. It would be better for him, for his teammates, for everyone. Everything would be better if he just jumped. 

 

_ End it all right now _ .  _ Don't be scared.  _

 

He wanted to end it. He wanted to end his fear and embarrassment. It couldn't go on any longer. He couldn't stand the bullying from the other members, or the harsh words when he happened to pass by. He was tired of the dreadful treatment he received all day. 

 

Changkyun didn't want to remember the disappointment in his father’s voice when he found out that his son would not be debuting with Nu’bility. He didn't want to remember his tormentors from school who never failed to point out his flaws. He didn't want remember anything. 

 

_ Three, two, one… _

  
  
  


 

“Changkyun!”

 

A sharp pain surged through the boy’s body, and he found himself lying on the hard bedroom floor. Minhyuk was hunched over him, still in his bed; across from them, Jooheon was sitting up. 

 

“Shit, what happened?” the latter asked. 

 

Changkyun attempted to respond, but his body was aching and his head hurt. Tears began to fill his eyes, and he used whatever energy he had left to cover his face. 

 

Minhyuk got out of bed (carefully, since Changkyun was right near him) and put a hand on the youngest’s arm. “Changkyunnie, it's okay. I’ll get some ice.” 

 

As the oldest in the room rushed to get ice packs, Jooheon crawled out of bed and near Changkyun, who was still sprawled out on the floor. “Did you have a bad dream?” Jooheon asked. “Or did you just fall randomly?” He received no answer but did not  pry and further, since Minhyuk burst into the room holding every ice pack he could get his hands on. 

 

“Cold, cold, cold…” he hissed, dropping the ice onto his bed and rubbing his hands. “Where does it hurt?”

 

Changkyun wanted to scream ‘everywhere’ but decided that he could just point to his head for now. Minhyuk gently balanced an ice pack on the Changkyun’s forehead, causing the youngest to chuckle a bit.  _ He's so silly, even when he wants to be serious.  _

 

“Good to see you smiling, baby,” Minhyuk said. “At least you're not dead.” 

 

Jooheon slapped Minhyuk’s arm. “You can't die from falling out of bed.”

 

The blonde shrugged and decided to play with Changkyun’s fingers instead of arguing with Jooheon. “Changkyunnie, does anything else hurt? Do you think you broke anything.”

 

“No,” he answered, sitting up. His ribs did hurt, and also his back; however, he wasn't sure how he could put ice there and feel comfortable. “Sorry I woke you guys up.”

 

“It's not your fault,” Jooheon reassured. “I– _ we _ are always willing to help you.”

 

“Right!” Minhyuk piped up. “I’ll do anything to help our little baby!”

 

“W–what?”

 

Minhyuk squeezed Changkyun’s cheeks. “You're a baby. Just accept it.”

 

As much as he didn't want to be a baby, Changkyun figured it was that thought the counts. And at that moment, even the smallest gesture could make him smile. Minhyuk asked him if he was okay about a thousand times, and Jooheon would tell Minhyuk to stop (only so that he could ask Changkyun “Are you sure you're alright?” himself). Finally, when they were convinced that he was not going to burst into tears at any moment or suddenly break a bone, they went back to sleep. Minhyuk gave up his bottom bunk, insisting that Changkyun might fall out of bed again. 

  
Maybe, as long as he stayed in the same room as these two idiots, he would do just fine.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please continue to comment. tell me if it was good. i read every comment, just so everyone knows, and im so glad that my fic is getting such a great response! just for you guys and all the love youre giving me, i'll try my hardest to write even better and update quicker. i love you all so much~


	4. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> recap for anyone who has forgotten: jooheon & minhyuk are good wih changkyun, jookyun seems hopeful, puppy boy fell out of bed
> 
> thats pretty much the story so far lol
> 
> shit goes down in this chapter

Changkyun woke up with a bump on his head and bruises on his arms (both of which he discovered after bumping into the headboard and the wall in an attempt to stretch). He groaned at the pain and drowsily reached for an ice pack, which was now sitting in a puddle of water on the floor. The pack was no longer cold, but Changkyun still pressed it to a particularly uncomfortable bruise on his arm.    
  
He only had about half a minute of peace after that, as the familiar alarm clock hobbled into the room. “Wake up. We have vocal training starting at 10, and it's 9:30.” Kihyun drew open the curtains, bringing a terrible stream of light into the room, and proceeded in shaking Jooheon's shoulder. “Get out of bed, or you won't have food. Same for you, Min—” The vocalist paused as he realized who was sleeping in Minhyuk's usual bed. His eyes trailed up to where the oldest boy was currently throwing the covers off his body.    
  
“Changkyun fell out of bed, so we switched,” Minhyuk explained groggily.    
  
“Ah...Get out of bed, Minhyuk.” He practically pulled the oldest down from the top bunk and ushered him through the door. He did the same to Jooheon. 

  
That left Changkyun alone with Kihyun, who was leaning against the bedpost. “Should I go get ready?”

 

Kihyun ignored the question. “You fell out of bed? Did you have a nightmare?”

 

“I–I just fell,” Changkyun stuttered. He could feel his face heating up under Kihyun’s piercing gaze. 

 

“But you had a nightmare.”

 

At that moment, Changkyun decided that he  _ hated  _ Kihyun for trying to be so sweet and caring all of a sudden. The boy hadn't been anything but rude towards Changkyun since the day they first met, and now he expected the youngest to open up to him? 

 

Kihyun didn't wait long for a response. He only shrugged and said, “Wait there and I’ll get you a cold ice pack. The last thing we need is for you to get sore for practice.”

 

The youngest obeyed and sat still in bed. Kihyun soon entered the room again, carrying an ice pack neatly wrapped in a washcloth in one hand and a roll of paper towels in the other. 

 

“Here. Did you fall on your arm?”

 

Changkyun nodded. 

 

“Can I see if it's bruised really bad?”

 

“I'm fine.”

 

Kihyun knelt on the floor to clean up the puddle of water.  _ It's definitely gonna make a stain _ , he thought, tearing off a sheet of paper towels. His hand traveled around and around in circles, attempting to soak up all of the water. Once the sheet was completely saturated, he pulled another. And another. And another. By then, The cleaning had been finished, but Kihyun wasn't done. He wanted to do  _ something _ , but he just didn't know what. 

 

So he pulled another paper towel and wiped the already dry floor. 

 

“Kihyun…” Changkyun said timidly, leaning over the bed. 

 

It startled Kihyun, to say the least. He yelped, hugging the paper towel roll to his chest. "Okay!"  _ I am such a fool _ , he thought. "Is something wrong?"    
  
"You've been drying that same spot for five minutes," the younger deadpans. 

 

"Ah, I guess I was." Kihyun made no attempt to stand. Instead, he turned to face Changkyun on the bed.  _ I need to do it at some point. _ "I'm going to tell you something really dumb. You probably won't believe me." He paused, taking in the confused look on Changkyun's face. A deep breath. "I don't like to see you hurt."    
  
And there was the reaction that Kihyun had been expecting: wide eyes, yet a poker face that the youngest was so good at keeping.    
  
"Really, I don't like to see you hurt, or anyone for that matter. I'm really—how do I put this?— _ motherly _ , I guess. I like to take care of people a lot. But when you came, it was different. Everyone  _ hated _ that you joined.” Kihyun refused to meet Changkyun’s eyes. “Honestly, I was mad, too, but I thought would get over it. We were all just mad since our friend had just left, and we dropped one rapper earlier on. It was like you were replacing them.

 

“I figured everything would go back to normal after a few days, and you would be just like us, but it didn't really happen that way. Everyone stayed mad, so I had to stay mad, too. I didn't want to be the first one to go make friends. I don't think anyone really wanted to be the first one to make friends with you. We were scared of being judged by each other, I guess.”

 

Kihyun wanted to scream. Why was he even saying this? The poor kid had probably heard it all before; if not, he surely knew everything that Kihyun was saying. Why was it necessary to say it all again?

 

_ Apologize _ . 

 

“I hate myself for everything I've said to you. I guess part of me thought that I could help in my own twisted, mean way. Maybe—I don't know. It's so ridiculous. Maybe if I said that your acne was flaring up, or you made a mistake in the studio, you would fix it. But it was all terrible. I shouldn't have bullied you.”

 

Changkyun played with the bedsheets, looking anywhere but at Kihyun. “It's okay, Kihyun.”

 

_ This kid.  _ “I haven't even said that I was sorry, and you're already forgiving me?”

 

He was met with silence. 

 

“I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry.” 

 

“It's okay.”

 

Kihyun climbed onto the bed and sat across from Changkyun, their knees almost touching. “It's okay for me, now. I'm forgiven. I have nothing else to worry about.” He took a deep breath. “But I know it's not okay for you. You—you're hurt. Everywhere.”

 

“Kihyun—”

 

“No, I know what you're going to do. You're gonna say you're fine and that it's okay. I saw...yesterday.”

 

Changkyun turned away, hanging his feet off the edge of the bed. “Please don't bring that up.”

 

“Well, I have to. It—” Kihyun’s voice caught in his throat. “I can't believe it.”

 

“Yeah, well it's real.” There was a certain bite in the way that Changkyun snapped that startled Kihyun. “It happened. I chopped up my body because I couldn't deal with everyone’s insults any more. I needed my pain out of my heart and onto my body.”

 

The older reached a hand towards Changkyun’s arm. “I'm so sorry.”

 

“I said I forgive you. What else do you want me to say? You can't change what already happened.”

 

Kihyun grabbed Changkyun’s hand, causing the younger to flinch. “I was so freaking wrong. Everything I said was so wrong. You're a great dancer. You're not fat; actually, it's cute how you can see your tummy from behind your shirt when it's a little too tight, or you stretch and it just—” He shook his head.  _ Don't scare him _ . “You're really handsome, too. Something about your eyes just  _ melts  _ hearts and your nose...and lips…”

 

Changkyun turned his head slightly to find Kihyun leaning into him, pink lips parted slightly. It was tempting; Changkyun hadn't kissed  _ anyone _ in the longest time. Minhyuk didn't count. He needed someone’s lips on his own, someone who kissed him romantically. Even though he never thought of kissing guys, it would do.

 

However, Jooheon burst through the door before their lips could connect. “Sorry to interrupt…”

 

“Nothing!” Kihyun yelped. He jumped off the bed and patted Changkyun on the head. His eyes screamed  _ panic _ but his smile said otherwise. “I–it was nothing. We probably have to get going soon. We spent too much time...” His sentence trailed off as he scurried out of the room. 

 

When it was sure that he got down the hallway, Jooheon stood in front of Changkyun. “So, what's up?”

 

The youngest licked his lips. “I feel weird.”

 

Then, too many things happened at once. Jooheon stepped forward towards Changkyun, stooping so that their faces were level. He cupped the younger’s face in his hands forced his head up. Soft lips came crashing onto Changkyun's dry ones. The kiss was awkward, both mouths closed tightly and unmoving. 

 

Jooheon pulled away nervously. “W–well, did that feel weird?”

 

It took a moment for Changkyun to answer. “Yes.”

 

The look on Jooheon’s face made it obvious that that was not the answer he had wanted. 

  
  
  


The rest of the day passed quite awkwardly. Since Jooheon and Changkyun had the same vocal trainer (seeing as they were the only rappers) they were forced to sit in the same room for an hour and a half. Neither could even look the other in the eye, and a few times their trainer even asked what was wrong. 

 

When it was break time, the awkwardness stayed with them. Changkyun made the mistake of sitting on the couch next to Kihyun. The older boy would smile at him from time to time and open his mouth as if to say something. However, Changkyun looked away before he could speak. 

 

And sometimes, his eyes would find Jooheon staring at him. 

 

It was completely hell. 

 

As if that stress wasn't enough, he still had to deal with the bullying. Hyungwon was as sour as ever, Wonho loved to ask him sarcastic questions, and Shownu was indifferent to all of it. 

 

“So, kid,” Wonho’s deep voice called. “When you were training, were you trying to get better or worse? I just wanna know since, well, remember that?” He chuckled and leaned back in his seat. 

 

Kihyun shifted uncomfortably. “I don't think you should—”

 

“Changkyun did a great job, for your information,” Jooheon interrupted. Changkyun could feel his face heating up for no reason. “He sounds great, and his freestyle skills are almost better than mine.”

 

“Come on, Jooheon. That's obviously a lie,” Hyungwon groaned. 

 

“What do  _ you _ know about rapping, you dumbass vocalist? Last time I checked,  _ I  _ was the rapper here. Don't act like you know better.”

 

“And you don't talk to your elders like that!” Wonho snapped. He stood up and marched over to Jooheon. “Do you think  _ that's _ okay?”

 

Jooheon stood up, bringing himself face to face with the older. “Yeah, I think standing up to complete bastards is a nice thing.”

 

“You—” Wonho’s fist lashed out and knocked Jooheon square in the jaw. 

 

“Wonho, stop!” Shownu yelled, lunging forward to prevent Wonho from causing more damage. 

 

Jooheon rubbed his cheek. “You  _ bastard _ .”

 

“I don't understand,” Wonho began, “why you kids are so damn disrespectful! Can't you learn to shut your mouth if you have nothing good to say?”

 

“Maybe if you practice what you preach, you—” Before Jooheon could continue, the door burst open. Manager stomped into the room, a scowl on his face. 

 

“What the hell is going on in here?” he yelled. 

 

Shownu let go of Wonho to bow to the newcomer. “I'm sorry.”

 

“Sorry?” the man hissed. “ _ Sorry _ is not going to cut it when the company realizes they've wasted so much money on a group that isn't fit for debut.  _ Sorry  _ isn't going to cut it when you all go back home to your parents and say, ‘Oh, I couldn't make use of all those vocal lessons and dance classes you paid for.’ Sorry my ass.”

 

The seven boys looked at the floor guiltily. 

 

Manager sighed loudly. “You boys need to get your act together. All I've seen you do so far is fight. You're a team, now. You need to work together. Overcome your differences and just tolerate each other. No one is asking you to become best friends. You just  _ need _ to debut now.”

 

“Yes, sir,” they all mumbled.

 

“The next time we hear you guys fighting, you are all going to be in trouble. Understand?”

 

“Yes, sir.”

 

After Manager had exited the room, slamming the door on his way out, Shownu was the first to speak up. “Guys, we need to work things out like Manager said.” They all nodded. “I'm especially sorry, since I should have kept everything under control.”

 

“I’m sorry, too,” Jooheon mumbled. “I shouldn’t have talked back.” 

 

Everyone turned towards Wonho, awaiting for his apology. It never came. “I don't think I did anything wrong.”

 

“Wonho,” Shownu warned, “don't get all high and mighty. Apologize.”

 

“For what? Nothing?”

 

“Don't—”

 

“I am sincerely sorry for doing nothing. There!” With that, he stormed out of the room. 

 

Shownu rubbed his temples. “He's so damn stubborn. I would go talk to him, but he's not going to listen.”

 

“I'll go,” Kihyun announced. He stood up and brushed off his clothes. “He'll listen to me.”

 

“What makes you so sure of that?” Minhyuk asks skeptically. 

 

“I make him ramen and I'm probably the only one in this place who's willing to spoon.”

 

“W–what?!” 

 

“Well, I'll be going now.” He said it coolly, but his cheeks were tinged red, showing his embarrassment.

 

There was awkward silence until Minhyuk spoke up. (Only the silence was broken; the atmosphere remained awkward.) “Kihyun’s personality screams ‘big spoon’ but his size screams ‘little spoon.’” 

 

Changkyun knew he was going to go insane if everyday was going to be like that. 

  
  
  


Vocal training was called off, since Kihyun told the teachers that he was “sick” and that he was “straining his vocal chords” (which were oh-so-precious to the entire company). The instructors said that it would be better for him to go rest—might as well bring all the other members, too. 

 

Well, almost all the other members. 

 

Shownu grabbed Chankyun’s arm and announced, “We’re going to stay here so we can practice the dance. He didn't get a lot of time the other day.”

 

Changkyun wanted to say that he was in pain and a little bruised from his fall, but decided against it. The last thing he needed was to cause even more trouble. 

 

Shownu guided him back through the building to the dance studio. Unfortunately for Changkyun, it wasn't in use, which meant he would be stuck dancing with his leader for an hour or two. 

 

“Okay, let's take it from the top. Try your best. Spacing doesn't matter too much right now.” 

 

Changkyun nodded and scurried off to his spot. The two ran through the choreography a few times before Changkyun heard his first correction: “Hey, you know that part right before the chorus?” Shownu proceeded in showing the moves. “It's one, two, three,  _ and  _ four. You're missing that step.” 

 

“Ah, okay.” 

 

The music began playing again. The song repeated itself so many times that Changkyun was beginning to memorize even the monotonous whine in the background music. Finally, Shownu deemed it acceptable to take a break. 

 

_ One hour _ , Changkyun thought.  _ If I'm lucky, we will stop now. _

 

No such thing. Shownu wanted to go over the dance  _ again _ , because he wasn't sure Changkyun was getting that extra move in.  Thankfully, though, Changkyun did that move that was stressing Shownu out, and the older said they could leave. 

 

“Good job, Changkyun.”

 

The younger looked away timidly. “Thanks.”

 

Shownu ran a hand through his own hair, causing it to stick out in all directions. “Changkyun, can I talk to you?” 

 

The youngest nodded his head, unsure of what his leader would tell him. 

 

“I'm sorry that Wonho yelled at you, and that everyone keeps being so hard on you.”

 

“D–don't be sorry. You did nothing wrong.”

 

“No, I am sorry,” Shownu insisted, leaning against the mirror. “I'm the leader, so I should have taken the responsibility to calm everyone down. I should have been the one to bring us all together.”

 

“It's okay. I completely understand.”

 

Shownu tilted his head. “How?”

 

“Kihyun said that no one wanted to ‘make the first move,’ so to speak, and be friends with me.”

 

“Oh… That's pretty accurate.” The oldest shook his head. “I should have been a better leader. I don't even know why they picked me, since all I've done is fail the team.” 

 

“That's not true!”

 

He shifted his weight nervously. “I really don't know what to do as a leader.”

 

Changkyun debated whether or not he should give a suggestion. Would Shownu snap at him like Wonho did, or would he appreciate his words? “I–I think that all you need to do is make sure that the whole group gets what we want. Like, make compromises for us so we can all be happy.” 

 

Shownu looked surprised at the sudden confidence, but he didn't get angry. Instead, he gave one of his signature smiles.  _ Cute.  _ “Thanks. And, since you said what I should do, I have something you should do.” He paused, then said, “Smile. I want you to stop sulking around from now on and just  _ smile.  _ It'll make everything so much easier.”

 

“Thank you. I'll try my hardest.” 

  
With that, they left the practice room, and Changkyun may or may not have been smiling widely. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what happened????????? so much??????????? hope u like the long chapter even tho its poopy :)


	5. overview of chapters so far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yo this is just an overview of each chapter so far (like it says) bc i havent posted in a while. i hate it when i cant quite remember what last happened in a fic, so i figured i would save you all the stress of looking back through the previous chapters
> 
> feel ultra free to skip this if you remember what happened. this is just in case youve forgotten 
> 
> love you all <3

**CHAPTER 1**

Changkyun is too weak to continue dance practice, so Jooheon gets him food. While eating, Jooheon opens up to Changkyun and apologizes for his actions. Although Changkyun is happy to hear this, his mood quickly changes when Minhyuk tells him that he is worthless and better off dead.

**CHAPTER 2**

Minhyuk apologizes for his unkind words the night before. Later, Changkyun's shirt slips up while at the gym, revealing self-harm scars. Both Wonho and Jooheon notice, but the former decides to ignore it. Jooheon insists on giving Changkyun first aid when they return to the dorms. KIhyun walks in while this is happening and sees Changkyun's state.

**CHAPTER 2.5**

Changkyun has a nightmare and falls out of bed. Minhyuk and Jooheon give him ice.

**CHAPTER 3**

While waking up the members, Kihyun reveals to Changkyun how he feels and that he is sorry for bullying him. In the spur of the moment, Kihyun leans in for a kiss, but is interrupted by Jooheon entering the room. Once Kihyun leaves, Jooheon kisses Changkyun, making for a terribly awkward day for the three. Wonho looses his temper after a vocal training, and the group decides to go back to the dorms. Shownu and Changkyun go to the practice room to dance, and Shownu apologizes for his irresponsibility in leading the group and causing Changkyun so much trouble.

 


	6. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im actually really stressed rn bc i have a ton of biochem due tonight and a history debate to prepare for, 6 skecthes of feet due tomorrow (which i hsould have done throughout the week) and algebra homework i should have done in my free time after class. but i decided to finish this instead, bc ive left you all waiting. hope u like it even tho its poorly written and a little short.

“Wonho, you need to calm down,” Kihyun whispered in a soothing voice. The whole ride back to the dorms, Wonho had sat with his arms crossed over his chest, a scowl glued on his face. Every time someone made even the slightest noise, he groaned loudly in distaste.

 

“Calm down?” the older boy snapped. “I can't just _calm down_ after being disrespected, then reprimanded by Manager as if _I_ am the one at fault.”

 

Kihyun sighed. Even though he was the closest to Wonho out of everyone in the group, it was still hard to reason with the older.  There was no exception to his stubbornness. “No one is mad at you,” he reassured. “However, we will be mad at you if you keep being so darn stubborn.”

 

“I can't deal with this,” Wonho said in a low voice.

 

“How do you think Changkyun feels? Don't yell at me, I just asked a simple question.”

 

Wonho stepped back and ran a hand through his hair. “I don't want to talk about it.”

 

“Why? Do you not like him?”

 

“Stop it.”

 

“Answer me,” the younger demanded. “I'll make you ramen.”

 

Wonho sighed and flopped onto the bed. Kihyun knew his weakness; he could never turn down ramen. “I'm sorry. I've been really immature.”

 

“How about you tell Changkyun? Apologizing is the first step towards making you a more mature person,” Kihyun said in a soft voice, then smirked when the older boy shiver. He knew Wonho wouldn't be able to turn down his suggestion if he said it like _that_.

 

The older boy sighed. “I'll think about it. While I'm doing that, wanna come over here?” he asked with a wink.

 

 _That guy is so persistent._ “I'm not gay.”

 

“Oh, come on! Stop being such a conservative old lady and just try. I'm sure I can make you change your mind.”

 

“You are disgusting,” Kihyun grimaced, although he didn't mean it.

 

The older rolled over. “Fine. But can you at least give me a hug?”

 

Of course, Kihyun couldn't make an argument against that. Nothing about it was dangerous, and if Wonho tried anything sneaky—well, they weren't alone in the dorm. Kihyun could just call for help.

 

Part of him wished that he had the courage to give Wonho a kiss every now and then, but whenever he thought of it, the situation seemed so _wrong_. He genuinely loved Wonho, but as a friend. Wonho wanted his love to be something more.

 

Kihyun sat near Wonho and let himself become wrapped in the other's strong arms. “Is it okay if I imagine that you're my boyfriend right now?” Wonho asked tenderly.

 

As always, Kihyun said _yes_. The older always talked about wanting to be with someone again. Romantically. The younger didn't understand much about his band member’s sexuality, but he sure knew that Wonho preferred men. The least he could do to save the guy from scandals was to humor him.

  
  


“Wonho is a fucking bastard,” Jooheon whispers. He's sitting across from Hyungwon with an ice pack on his chin. The skinny guy is barely listening to Jooheon’s ranting, instead deciding to engross himself in the latest issue of Gentlemen’s Quarterly.

 

“Just because he's one of the oldest here, it doesn't mean he has the right to bully us...especially Changkyun.”

 

Hyungwon shrugged uncomfortably. He was still having mixed feelings about their new rapper. Well, more accurately, he was unsure as to how he should go about becoming the boy’s friend, or at least a trusted group member.

 

“I wish we hadn't been so mean to him. He didn't deserve to be our punching bag.”

 

Hyungwon nodded subconsciously.

 

“We really hurt him, you know,” Jooheon continued. “And if that wasn't enough, he hurt himself.”

 

At that, Hyungwon immediately looked up from his book.

 

“I don't know if I should have told you that. But I saw and Kihyun saw, too. All over his chest and stomach. Why would anyone want to do that?”

 

 _To move that heartbroken feeling out of his heart and onto something more temporary, like his body._ “To escape,” Hyungwon said aloud.

 

“What?” Jooheon asked, tilting his head.

 

“Poor Changkyun,” Hyungwon whispered, completely disregarding the younger’s question.

  
  


When Shownu and Changkyun arrived at the dorm, it was dinner time. Kihyun was already shuffling around the kitchen, supervised by Wonho’s intense stare. “Welcome back, guys,” Kihyun sing-songed.

 

“Hey Kihyun. Wonho.” Shownu heeled off his shoes and kicked them into the corner. Changkyun did the same, but neatly placed them off to the side. Although he was almost positive that Kihyun would not yell at him for it, he could not be sure.

 

As he was walking to his room, someone reached out of a room and held onto his sleeve. He was slowly pulled him into the room and found himself face to face with Hyungwon.

 

The boy released his grip on Changkyun’s shirt and held out a red pen. “Here.”

 

“What?”

 

“Take it. Draw lines on yourself instead. It doesn't leave scars and it's a lot less harmful.” He leaned in and whispered, “Sometimes, I scratch myself with the cap if I’m craving pain, but it's only a scratch, so it fades.”

 

“Why a–are you—?”

 

Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair. “I used to cut. Burned at first, but my mom found the lighter and thought I was smoking, so I had to throw it out. It's kinda a part of me I don't share.”

 

He continued after pulling Changkyun farther into the room and closing the door. “A friend told me that I shouldn't use razors anymore, and he handed me a pen like this. Now, all I do is draw on myself.” He shyly pulled up the cuff of his basketball shorts to reveal red ink scribbled across his thighs. Changkyun could make out the faded white scars behind the doodles and words on Hyungwon’s pale legs.

 

Changkyun swallowed the lump in his throat. “I never would have guessed that you...you know.”

 

“Same goes for you.” Hyungwon smiled sadly. “Now, I know it’s hard to stop, especially if you’re feeling completely hopeless, but I want you to try. I feel terrible knowing that we did this to you, and this is, I guess, my way of saying sorry.”

 

The corners of Changkyun’s lips turned up in a slight smile. “You’re really something else, Hyungwon.”

 

The older cocked his head to the side, a confused look on his face. (Changkyun thought he looked like an innocent child, but he didn’t dare say anything.) “Is that a good thing?”

 

“Yeah! On the outside, you’re so quiet and serious, but really, you have a great heart. If I had known that,  I wouldn’t have been so scared of you.”

 

“You were scared of me?” Hyungwon asked teasingly.

 

The youngest shrugged embarrassedly. “Only a little. _Intimidated_ , I guess, would be the right word. I always thought you would yell at me if I said something wrong.”

 

Hyungwon nodded and opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it again. After some hesitation, he finally said, “Please don’t forgive me for anything I said to you. I offended you way too many times, and you didn’t deserve it even once. So please, don’t forgive me, because that’s like saying I was right.”

 

“But what if I want to forgive you? We all make mistakes.”

 

“No!” Hyungwon snapped. “Just accept my apology.”

 

Changkyun gave a thumbs-up. “Apology accepted, then.”

 

“Great,” the older said, obviously pleased. “I hope we can get along.”

 

“Shouldn’t be much of a problem,” Changkyun said with a smile.

  
  


Kihyun stood at the kitchen sink washing the dishes. The group had just finished eating dinner, and the entire time they were at the table, Changkyun and Hyungwon had joked comfortably with each other. It was obvious that they had made up, and it was also obvious that Wonho was the only one still uncomfortable with the young rapper.

 

“Are you angry?” Kihyun asked to Wonho, who was perched atop the kitchen counter.

 

The older’s mouth stretched into a thin line. “Only angry with myself.”

 

“I wasn’t expecting you to answer that someone else was making you angry.” He turned off the faucet and spun around to face Wonho. “What are you going to do about it?”

 

“I want to make things better, but I feel like it’s too late. It-it makes me just wanna quit and leave the group. I messed up big time.”

 

Kihyun sighed in exasperation. _How stubborn._ “Changkyun is understanding. He’s not going to get mad at you or hold a grudge. He only wants us to accept him, and quite frankly, I think he wants you to apologize so he can forget about all that. We’re a group, like Manager said, and we need to deal with each other. And I personally think that we should all be friends. Close friends.”

 

Wonho nodded and they sat in silence for a while before the older finally smiled and hopped off the counter. “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (wrote this a few days ago):
> 
> a.n// YOOOO i know youve all been crying over guilty lol. I have at least. let me know what your favorite song is!!!! i love roller coaster to no end ughh those high notes kihyunnnnn and hyungwon’s voice is actually the only drug i’ll ever take. they sound so gorgeous in the whole album. and be quiet is littt i need a dance for that they better make one. I know they can *starts screaming uncontrollably*  
> also what about that mv??? oh god i love it so much…..especially changkyunnie’s parts where hes playing thhe video game and riding the bike ;-; so pretty  
> anyways, i hope this is good even though i havent had much time to perfect anything  
> \-------------yall should definitely send me a message to either my instagram (smolrocky or milkyren, take your pick) or my tumblr. also i have a whatsapp but i oly like to give that out in private messages so if you send one i’ll give it to you :)))) love you all!!!!!!!!!


	7. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Kihyun convinced Wonho that he was being utterly immature. Jooheon and Hyungwon talked about Wonho's outburst, and Jooheon reveals that Changkyun has harmed himself because of their bullying. This hits close to home for Hyungwon, as he has dealt with self-harm, and he resolves to help Changkyun though his difficult times and apologize.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know its been over a month since i last updated. i sorta had a crisis with this story and rewrote this next chapter a bunch of times. its wicked short, but i hope its okay. school is really busy, so dont expect very long chapters from now on

Jooheon lay awake in bed. For the past week, he hadn't gotten more than an hour of sleep each night. It was bad for his health, he knew it, but he could not seem to calm down enough to get some rest. Ever since that day, one week ago, when he had walked into his room to find Kihyun leaning towards Changkyun for a kiss—

 

Ever since  _ he  _ kissed Changkyun, the two hadn't said one word. Jooheon wanted to explain himself, but the youngest would walk the other way whenever he tried to approach him. There was not one time where Changkyun would talk to him, not even when they were alone with their vocal trainer. 

 

It was stressing Jooheon beyond belief. 

 

He so desperately needed to explain himself. He needed to say that his mind hadn't been in the right place when he gave that kiss. He didn't feel  _ that  _ way. He loved Changkyun, but as a friend and only a friend.

 

He desperately needed to fix their friendship, because if he ruined it, he would never forgive himself. 

 

“Please don't leave me,” Jooheon whispered into the darkness of the room. Changkyun was still on the bottom bunk, and Minhyuk insisted he would be until they were all sure he wouldn't fall out of bed again. The boy was lying on his back with his hands curled into fists on his chest. The sheets were all tangled and a bare foot was peeking out from under them. Chankyun’s neck was strained from all his pillows, but his expression remained calm. 

  
  
  


Changkyun woke up to the familiar alarm clock shaking his shoulder. “Get up.” The hand left as Kihyun went to annoy the others in the room. “Manager is bringing us to a meeting for our music video. It starts at eight thirty, and it's almost seven.” Before he left, he drew open the curtains. 

 

_ How annoying _ . 

 

In the bunk above him, there was a sound like something hitting the wall, and Minhyuk groaned. 

 

“You should take the bottom bunk, Minhyuk,” Changkyun suggested. 

 

“Not until you get better.”

 

Changkyun sighed. “I've been fine for a while now. Let's just switch.”

 

It was true that Changkyun wanted Minhyuk to have his bed back, but he also wanted to get back on the top bunk for personal reasons. Mainly since it was farther away from Jooheon. 

 

It wasn't that he didn't like the other rapper. He trusted him and saw him as a close friend. However, he didn't see him as anything more than that. After that kiss, he was sure that Jooheon didn't feel the same. 

 

Who would kiss someone if they didn't like them in a way that was more than friendly?

 

The last thing Changkyun wanted to do was break his friendship with Jooheon (as if ignoring Jooheon would help the situation). He was at a loss for what to do, and not paying attention to the other was the only thing he could think of doing. 

 

Minhyuk got out of bed first, climbing down the ladder with great difficulty. That left Jooheon and Changkyun alone in the room. The youngest looked up to find Jooheon sitting up in bed with the covers pulled up to his chin. The boy’s eyes were hollow and his cheeks had lost their fullness. Jooheon looked like a wreck. 

 

_ It's my fault _ .

 

Without saying anything, Changkyun got out of bed and left the room. 

  
  
  


“Changkyun! Changkyun, hold on!” 

 

It was lunch time, and their meeting had ended an hour before. The group had decided on eating at the company’s cafeteria. Changkyun told them that he was going to go for a walk around the building while they ate.  _ “No hard feelings. I just have a headache.”  _ It was a lie, but the member’s didn't seem to notice. 

 

Or maybe they really didn't care. 

 

Well, there he was, on his previously undisturbed walk around the building, with someone calling his name from halfway down the hall. It was Jooheon. He could recognize his voice without even turning to look. 

 

“Hey,” said Jooheon when he was close enough to talk. Changkyun hadn't moved one bit, even though he was still giving Jooheon the silent treatment. “Why are you ignoring me, Changkyunnie?”

 

He frowned at the nickname. Jooheon was trying to make him feel guilty, wasn't he? 

 

“Please say something.” Jooheon pleased. 

 

Changkyun took a look at Jooheon’s empty face. The other was falling apart, breaking because of his actions. _It wouldn't be that bad if Jooheon liked me that way, right?_ _If it makes him happy, it's okay._ “Why did you kiss me?” 

 

Jooheon’s brows furrowed and he squinted. “Really, I don't know why. I keep thinking about it, and there's really no reason that I can think of. I guess...I just didn't want Kihyun to kiss you.” He said the last part like a question, as if he was asking if it was really true. “Trying to save you,” he chuckled. “Too bad my trying-to-save-you caused so much trouble.”

 

_ So that's how he feels. _ “I'm sorry.” Changkyun stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I should have let you just say what you felt instead of ignoring you.”

 

“It's okay. It taught me that I should think about the consequences before I do something.”

 

Changkyun patted his shoulder. “I was worried that you might want to—you know—be all gay about it.”

 

Jooheon laughed and shook his head. “No! Well...if I did want to be all gay about it…”

 

“Not gonna happen.” Changkyun frowned. “Well, not now at least. I really don't know how I would feel about it.” He sighed. “Can we just keep being friends for now? _Best_ _friends_?”

  
“That would be great,” Jooheon smiled. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you should check out my new fic "my new muse" bc its gonna become a series. heres the link:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/8756734#work_endnotes


	8. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> previously: Jooheon and Changkyun make up after a week of silence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so so sorry. writing chaptered fics is really not my thing bc i always end up failing. this is a really short update, but i hope you understand. i'll try harder to update more often.
> 
> i will be taking part in a hyungwonho bingo on here and aff (snowyxiu). the first story will be up march 1 so please look forward to it ^^
> 
> in the meantime, try to enjoy this poop

Changkyun sat on Jooheon’s bed, writing lyrics in his worn down composition book. Ever since they settled their misunderstanding, they had gone back to being friends. It took a lot of stress off both their shoulders. 

 

“How does this look?” Jooheon asked, thrusting his composition book towards the youngest. 

 

Changkyun carefully read the lyrics. “It's...kinda lovey dovey. Is this a rap?”

 

Jooheon shook his head. “Too soft. I was thinking we might use them as song lyrics in the future.”

 

The youngest nodded, reading through the lines again. “I didn't know you had this side to you,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows. “Someone in love?”

 

“In love with my best friend,” he said, earning a shocked look from the boy sitting near him. “Come on, you know I don't mean it like that. Don't worry.” Changkyun acknowledged him with a nod. “Don't you ever tell your friends you love them?”

 

Changkyun shrugged. “I never really...had many friends, and the ones I had—as in the trainees from my old company—I didn't know them long enough to say I loved them.”

 

Jooheon frowned. “You've got us now.”

 

“Wonho still hates me.”

 

“He still hasn't apologized?” the older asked, a shocked expression on his face.

 

Changkyun shook his head. “He hasn't been bothering me lately, but that's just because he's doing everything he can to avoid me. He probably won't ever like me.”

 

“That's not true!” Jooheon protested, a hand on the younger's leg. “Wonho is really stubborn, but that doesn't mean he won't budge. At some point, he's gonna realize that he made a big mistake.”

 

“I don't want him to see it as a mistake, though,” Changkyun stated. “I just want him to realize that I'm a good person. It's my problem that I came into this like I did.” 

 

“But it's not,” Jooheon insisted. “You came into the show because you were given the chance. The company could have put you in from the beginning. It's not like you lacked any skills. If it's anyone’s fault, it's the company’s.”

 

Changkyun only shrugged, not wanted to get deeper into the conversation. “Can I read those lyrics again?”

  
  
  


Kihyun massaged his temples with his fingers. “Calm down, Wonho. You're giving me a headache.”

 

The older grumbled incoherently as he paced around the kitchen. “Am I really the only one that hasn't said sorry to Changkyun?”

 

“Why do you keep asking? You know damn well that you're the only one,” Kihyun said, annoyance clear in his voice. He turned back to the stove to check on dinner. “You're being an immature wimp, Shin Hoseok. Grow some balls and just say you're sorry.”

 

Wonho huffed angrily. “I'm not being immature! I just—I don't know...”

 

Kihyun turned, his back to the counter. “You're being immature. I'm tired of listening to you complain about things you can easily change. It's getting on my nerves.”

 

“I want to apologize, it's just that he gets all awkward when I'm around.”

 

The younger sighed in exasperation. “Maybe it's because he’s comfortable with everyone except for you. Maybe that's a sign that you should suck it up and say sorry.”

 

Wonho nodded, eyes trained on the floor. “I guess I'm making up excuses now.”

 

“You are, and I'm so tired of hearing them.”

 

“I'm sorry.”

 

Kihyun smiled. “That's not too hard, is it? That's all you have to say to Changkyunnie. Can I trust you to do that?”

 

Wonho shrugged. “I don't know…”

 

“How about we make a deal.” Kihyun knew that he was going to regret it later, but he was willing to do anything for the sake of the group. “I’ll let you kiss me if you make up with Changkyun.”

 

Wonho’s lips curled into a smile, but his mood darkened a quickly as it brightened. “Kihyunnie, I can’t make you do that.”

 

Kihyun dismissed the statement with a wave of his hand. “You won’t be making me do anything. I suggested it. Who knows, I may like it; never know until you try, right?”

  
Wonho grinned mischievously and ran off to the other room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also ive got a beta reader for this story. she hasnt gotten to read this chapter yet because i kinda posted it with no warning


	9. seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> previously: Kihyun convinces Wonho to do the right thing. (But he doesn't do it just yet.)

“Changkyun.”

 

The youngest looked up at the sound of his name. “Hi, Hyungwon.” He closed his laptop and curled his legs under him. “What’s up?”

 

“Nothing,” Hyungwon admitted with a sigh. “Actually, I was lonely. Wonho is stress-lifting, as I like to call it, and Shownu followed him out of the house. And Minhyuk and Kihyun went out. Jooheon’s at the studio.” He laughed when he noticed Changkyun’s surprised expression. “We’re the only ones here.”

 

“Wow,” Changkyun mused. “I knew Jooheon left, since he’d been sitting with me earlier. But I didn’t know about the others.”

 

Hyungwon chuckled again, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “I’m not surprised. You’ve been locked in here for hours. Whatcha working on?” He opened the top of the laptop curiously. 

 

“No!” Changkyun exclaimed a little too quickly. 

 

“What? Was our little maknae doing something  _ naughty _ ?”

 

Although he knew he was innocent, the youngest could feel his cheeks heat up. “N-no. It's just something private I’m working on.”

 

Hyungwon, of course, was not buying it, that brat. “It's okay. We all do it.”

 

“I’m serious. I was journaling.”

 

“On your laptop?”

 

Changkyun sighed. “I can journal wherever I want. And this journal is password protected,”

 

“That’s actually a good idea.” He paused for a moment. “Whatcha journalling about?”

 

_ There it is.  _ “It’s private, Hyungwon.”

 

“I just want to make sure you’re okay.” A hand brushed over his leg. “You’re taking my advice?”

 

Changkyun nodded, a small smile forming on his face. “I’m thinking of quitting the group to become a tattoo artist, to tell you the truth.”

 

“Has someone been bothering you?”

 

“It was a joke.”

 

Hyungwon shook his head. “I mean, why have you had to use the pen so often? Do you want to talk about anything?” When he saw the sad look on Changkyun’s face, he rubbed the younger’s hand in his own. “Sometimes, it's better if we talk to someone about it.”

 

“What about you, hyung? Have you talked about it?”

 

Hyungwon’s cheeks turned pink. “N-no.”

 

“Then you should talk about it with me. Even if it’s not as much of a problem to you.”

 

The older vocalist shook his head, face hidden behind his hand. “It’s still a problem. It actually gets worse and worse as we get closer to our debut date.” He rubbed his eyes. “I was clean for a year and 5 months, Changkyun.”

 

“Hyung—”

 

“I’m sorry!” Hyungwon burst out, his eyes beginning to water. “It’s really hard. I hate everything about this life. I don't know why I thought it was a good idea. I can't sing. I can't dance. All I am is a face. That's why they chose me, Changkyun. I'm just a face.”

 

“That's not true.”

 

Hyungwon dropped his head back, groaning when it hit the wall. “I heard the judges talking about it after one of the missions. They were saying how flat my voice was and how awkward I look when I dance. I thought I wasn't going to debut, but then they called my name.” A tear glistened on his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. “Gunhee could have debuted with Jooheon. Changkyun, it wasn't your fault. It was mine.”

 

“How could you even say that? It's not your fault, or my fault. We deserve these places. Gunhee, Seokwon, all the other trainees...they deserved to debut, too. The company split us apart, for whatever reason, and this is what they chose to happen.”

 

Hyungwon curled up on his side, head resting on the pillow. “I know. It's just hard to believe sometimes.” They stayed in silence for a while, Changkyun’s fingers drawing patterns on the vocalist’s arm. 

 

“Why do we do it?” the youngest said. Hyungwon looked up to see Changkyun staring into space. “It feels better in the moment, but afterwards, all of our problems are still there.”

 

Hyungwon nodded. “And then we have to deal with even more pain.”

 

“It’s nice to know there's someone who understands.” 

 

“Same here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1\. i am super stressed out  
> 2\. monsta x is killing me. monbebes are so spoiled we dont deserve them  
> 3\. i hope u liked the hyungkyun. thinking of writing a short hyungkyun thing as a break  
> 4\. im taking part in a hyungwonho bingo. you should check out my 1 story lmao. my second one is almost done and ill make sure to let you know when it is  
> 5\. tysm <3


	10. eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Hyungwon opens up about himself to Changkyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is really short. I'll try to update soon to make up for this.   
> Also all of the stuff that occurs this chapter happened before ch 7(or ch10,whichever you look at). It's just when everyone's leaving and Hyungwon and Changkyun are left in the dorm by themselves. 
> 
> Also if anyone wants to scream about the new album please do. Personally, my favorites are Oi and Calm Down. (I'm buying all three versions of this album with my sis I'm screaming bc it's so good)

Wonho knew he couldn't do it. He had just about gathered enough motivation to apologize to Changkyun (who wouldn't be motivated after being offered a kiss?) but all of his confidence disappeared when he reached the youngest member’s room. He stood there for a moment, staring at the closed door in front of him, before shuffling into Shownu’s room.

The oldest member looked up expectantly at Wonho, who stood frozen in the doorway.

“Do you want to go to the gym?” he asked, saying the first thing that popped into his head. “You know Manager doesn't like it when I go alone.”

Shownu nodded. “Seems good, since we don't have any schedules for today.”

Wonho could feel his insides deflate. There was one thing he was supposed to do, but he had already failed. Oh well. Maybe later.

He and Shownu grabbed their gym bags and shuffled back down the hallway. Wonho prayed that Kihyun wouldn't notice him trying to escape, but thankfully, the younger was talking with Minhyuk (probably preparing to go out somewhere).

Mission “avoid Kihyun” was a success. Now all he needed was to complete mission “apologize to Changkyun.”

 

“Minhyuk, I don't understand what the hell is wrong with him,” Kihyun whispered, rubbing his temples. “He literally just walked past Changkyun’s room after he said he was going to apologize.”

Minhyuk shrugged. “Wonho is really sensitive. I think he’s just—this is going to sound confusing—he’s just hurt by the fact that he hurt Changkyun. So, he’s hurt because he knows he hurt someone, and he knows that ‘sorry’ isn't enough.”

“But Changkyun said that he didn't want us to apologize.”

“That kid is too nice,” Minhyuk said, reaching for a pudding cup on the counter.

“Those aren't yours,” Kihyun scolded.

Minhyuk brushed it off, heading across the kitchen to grab a spoon. “Wonho should take advantage of Changkyun’s niceness. Even if he doesn't say sorry, just start being nice to him.” He spooned some pudding into his mouth before adding, “He’s tearing this family apart.”

Kihyun sighed. Although Minhyuk had some valid points, it was going to be hard trying to convince Wonho. “This is stressing me out.”

“Hey, don't worry about it. Let’s go do something fun to get your mind off it.” Another spoonful of pudding. “Oh! How about that comic book cafe? You know, the new one.” More pudding. “What's it called?”

“Don't talk with your mouth full, it's disgusting.”

“No, that's not it,” Minhyuk said, laughing at his poor attempt at humor.

Even though Minhyuk was laughing loud enough to annoy their neighbors, Kihyun still heard the creak of the hallway as two members left the dorm. He didn't even have to turn to know one of them was Wonho.

“Let’s get ready in fifteen minutes,” he said. “It sounds better than staying in this depressing place.”


	11. nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Wonho chickens out before apologizing and goes stress lifting with Shownu, while Kihyun expresses his annoyance to Minhyuk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all, i am so so so sorry for not updating in forever! im not sure if anyone still cares about this fic, but i do intend on finishing it for anyone who does. hope this is ok (and apologies for the short chapter, another will be up tomorrow)

“Changkyun, we need to talk.”

 

The youngest looked up to find Wonho standing at his door. It had been a week since he and Hyungwon had been abandoned in the dorm by the other members. Wonho had barely said any words to him in that time (not that it was unusual, but he seemed to be avoiding Changkyun more than ever). 

 

“What is it?” 

 

Wonho closed the door and took a deep breath, and Changkyun honestly thought he was going to say something. Instead, tears streamed down the older's face as if someone had just opened the floodgates. “I'm  _ tho thorry _ !” he wailed, his lisp more evident than ever. “I–I–I—” The older doubled over, his face in his hands.

 

Changkyun was unsure as to what he should do. Should he go over to him? Should he say anything yet? 

 

Wonho straightened up and let out a loud sob. “I w–was being stubborn.” 

 

The rapper decided it was okay to speak. “It's okay, Wonho. Don't worry about it.” This only made the older cry louder, and Changkyun didn't know what else to do other than give him a hug, so he went for it. Wonho’s sobbing quieted down as Changkyun rubbed his back. “Shh, I forgive you.”

 

“Please,” Wonho began shakily, “don't be uncomfortable around me. I'll never  _ ever  _ do that again. I'm never like that, really.”

 

“It's okay, you're stressed.”

 

The older pulled away. “But what about you? You must be even more stressed.”

 

Changkyun smiled reassuringly. “It's died down, really. Everything's okay now, Wonho. We’re opening up to a new page.”

 

That made the older smile, and he wiped away his tears with his sleeve. “I'm sorry you had to see that… Well, all of that.” He ruffled his hair and stepped back. “Hello, my name is Shin Hoseok. It's nice to meet you.”

 

“Im Changkyun. It's nice to meet you, too.”

  
  
  


Jooheon walked into the room not long after Wonho left. “Changkyunnie,” he whined, flopping down onto the bed. He craned his head to peek at the open laptop, but the younger closed it. “What's that?” he asked, trying to open the top again. 

 

Changkyun closed the top again. “I'm just writing stuff.”

 

“What kinds of stuff?”

 

“It’s private,” he said, folding his hands on top of his laptop. 

 

Jooheon pouted. “Too private for your best friend?” Changkyun shrugged. “You know, you can trust me. I'm not gonna tell anyone.”

 

“I know, Jooheon. I just...don't feel like I need to tell anyone this stuff. Not yet, at least.”

 

The older nodded in understanding. “You’ll tell me if there’s a problem, right?”

 

“Of course.”

 

That earned a smile from Jooheon. “That’s my boy. Gimme a hug.”


	12. ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Wonho finally apologizes, and Changkyun is once again asked about what he was writing on his laptop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so basically i was gonna post this, but i got super busy the next day, then i went on vacation... so in return, you get a longer chapter!!! and i had already started the next one a few days ago ^^
> 
> warning for slightly aggressive kissing, nothing graphic but just aggressive undertones (but 100% consent)

Kihyun could hear Wonho in the next room over, talking to Changkyun. The latter seemed fairly calm, or at least Kihyun couldn't hear him as much as he heard the older vocalist. After some time, the crying died down and footsteps could be heard padding down the hallway. Wonho opened the door to the room and, immediately, his gaze fell on Kihyun, who had been sitting on the bed. 

 

The main vocalist suddenly remembered the deal he had made, that he would give Wonho a kiss if he made things right with Changkyun. Part of him regretted it, because he didn't even like men, and it might encourage the older to ask for kisses more often. However, a part of him figured that Wonho deserved it, and after all the stress the older had endured, he should at least get a kiss. 

 

Before he knew it, he was slammed against the mattress, a pair of lips on his own. He yelped, but it was muffled by the needy kiss that had crashed upon him. Wonho had his hands pinned down and his legs were locked under the older's weight. He was completely trapped.

 

It didn't matter, though, because he wouldn't have tried to escape anyways. He agreed to it a while ago, and maybe—just  _ maybe _ —it wasn't so bad. After all, lips were lips, and though it was a bit different from the kisses he had shared with girls (granted, there weren't many) but it didn't make a difference, right?

 

Kihyun told himself it didn't make a difference at all. 

 

The older pulled away for a breath, and a moan involuntarily escaped Kihyun’s mouth. “Shit.”

 

“Not so bad, is it?” Wonho asked, a smirk playing on his lips. 

 

Kihyun shook his head and breathily answered, “You can keep going if you want.” 

 

And he did.

  
  
  


Hyunwoo was tired. He was so tired. Being the leader was hard work. It wasn't that the group members themselves were causing him stress (now that everything g had been patched up, he didn't have to worry about someone getting themselves killed). Their manager wasn't stressing him out, either. The vocal trainers, the choreographer, the staff, everyone was okay. 

 

Hyunwoo was making himself so tired. 

 

He didn't trust himself to be the leader. The company should have picked him in the first place. Over and over, he had failed his team in No Mercy. He was too quiet for his own good, too afraid to speak up and calm everyone down. There was not an ounce of leader in his body, so why did they choose him?

 

He layed back on the couch and stared up at the blank ceiling of the dorm. He heard someone shuffle into the living room, but he didn't look up. 

 

“Hyunwoo,” said a familiar husky voice. Minhyuk sat on the arm of the couch. “What’s up?”

 

The leader reached a hand above his head and placed it in Minhyuk’s lap. The younger laced their fingers together and hummed in question. 

 

“Am I doing a good job?” 

 

Minhyuk's leaned over so Hyunwoo could see his face. There was still a foot of space between them, but Hyunwoo could feel his cheeks heat up from the close proximity. “Is this about being a good leader or a good singer? Because you're doing great at both.”

 

Hyunwoo lolled his head to the side, breaking their gaze. “I can't do it. If I'm representing the group, we’ll get nowhere.”

 

Minhyuk got off the arm of the couch and sat down on the floor. “Hyunwoo, just turn to me whenever you need courage to say anything. You can do it. You're a good leader.” He smiled, and Hyunwoo couldn't help but do the same. 

  
  
  


Kihyun found himself curled into Wonho’s side. Thousands of questions clouded his mind. Did he like guys, or was he just lonely and needy? Did he just like Wonho, and not other guys? Did he even like Wonho as something more than a friend? 

 

Kihyun decided that the first question was the most important. He knew that he liked girls because they were attractive. Guys were attractive, too, but how did he know he wasn't just admiring them? He liked it when girls made him feel strong, but would a guy make him feel strong? Kihyun wasn’t the most muscular person, so he doubted a guy would let the vocalist baby him. Lastly, he tried to picture himself with a guy, intimately. It was a little difficult. The thought of such acts made him uncomfortable (especially as he was cuddling a guy who definitely preferred the same sex). 

 

He thought back to the time he had gotten so close to kissing Changkyun. It had been early in the morning, so neediness was out of the question. There must have been some sort of attraction behind it. Changkyun was quite attractive, in his opinion. The youngest also let Kihyun baby him. 

 

But did that mean Kihyun liked Changkyun enough to date him? 

 

No. He didn't. He couldn't possibly see himself with Changkyun. He loved their youngest member, but not in  _ that  _ way. That didn't explain his urge to kiss him that morning, but he decided that he hadn't been in his right mind. 

 

Kihyun had to admit, he was quite in need of affection, and being surrounded by boys, there was only one option. _Oh, god, could I be turning myself gay?_ _No, that's impossible._

 

He rolled over to face Wonho. The older’s eyes were closed; he had probably fallen asleep. Kihyun could check attractive off for the dancer. His features were perfect, ethereal, even, and anyone would be lying to say that the man was unattractive. Although Kihyun liked to feel strong, he liked Wonho’s muscular arms and legs. (Maybe he liked them a little more than he’d care to admit.) The older’s personality was soft enough for Kihyun to feel like he could care for the dancer. Lastly, he was figured he could say that sex with Wonho wouldn't bother him one bit. 

 

Maybe he wasn't gay or anything like that, but he sure knew that he liked Wonho. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this somewhat made sense. kihyun's kinda battling himself in his mind, and nothing's really making sense to him. this isnt the last you'll see of kiho.
> 
> im curious to know: what's your favorite ship in this story?? anyone you wanna see more of? 
> 
> thanks for reading i love you guys so much!!!!!!!!!!!


	13. eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Kihyun questions himself after his kiss with Wonho while Hyunwoo worries about being a good leader.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah so im super sorry for not updating but im so stressed!!! also 98% of this has been done for quite a while and ive been like "i wanna make it longer for my readers bc i love them" so today i added half of the last section (which is short as it is) and decided to post it. i hope its still ok!!!
> 
> also im now on wattpad! my name's the same as it is on here (snowyxiu)

Hyungwon was lonely, but there wasn't really anything he could do about it. Changkyun was in his room with Jooheon, and he didn't want to intrude on their conversation. Kihyun and Wonho were locked up in his room, doing god knows what. He saw Hyunwoo and Minhyuk sitting in the living room together on his way to the kitchen. He didn't want to bother any of them, so he sat in the hallway. 

 

There wasn't much to do all alone, and since he wasn't about to go to the practice room, he decided to take a nap. He didn't know how long he had been able to sleep before someone came to wake him up. He opened his eyes to find Changkyun crouching near him, massaging his shoulder. 

 

“You shouldn’t sleep on the floor like this,” said the youngest. 

 

Hyungwon shrugged. “There’s nowhere for me to go” 

 

“Well, I know of  _ somewhere.  _ Do you wanna go to the convenience store with me and Jooheon? Manager said we could, as long as we bring back a snack for him.” 

 

Hyungwon smiled softly. “Sure.”

 

Changkyun waited for him as he picked himself off of the floor. “Hyung—”

 

“What?” Hyungwon asked, cutting him off. 

 

The younger grinned and lifted his hands. “Bend down, your hair’s all messy.”

 

The singer blushed and bent his knees. Changkyun’s fingers were running through his hair and—oh, there was that feeling again. That feeling that came whenever he was around their youngest, where his stomach swooped and his body felt like he had chugged a gallon of Red Bull. Changkyun pinched Hyungwon’s cheek.

 

“Hey!” he yelped back, but the rapper was already running out the door. 

 

“Hurry up, turtle!” 

 

So Hyungwon did. 

  
  
  


The walk to the store was awkward. The three of them couldn’t walk side by side on the sidewalk, so Hyungwon trailed behind a little. Changkyun almost walked sideways so he could look at both of the members, but Hyungwon knew his focus was on Jooheon. The two rappers had a special relationship that Hyungwon couldn’t even try to match. It was clear that Changkyun trusted Jooheon with everything, and the other felt the same. He would never get that close to the youngest member, and it made him feel a little empty inside. 

 

When they reached the convenience store, Jooheon held the door open for both of them. He gave Hyungwon a tap on the shoulder and a pitying look, almost as if he could read the vocalist’s mind. Hyungwon ignored it as much as he could and followed Changkyun through the store. 

 

“Do you think Wonho wants ramen?” Changkyun asked, scanning through the shelves. 

 

Jooheon smacked the back of his neck. “Why are you even saying that? Let him buy his own ramen. We should buy food for ourselves and Manager.”

 

Changkyun shrugged. “I feel kinda bad. He cried earlier.”

 

Jooheon grumbled on about something that Hyungwon couldn’t quite catch. “If you wanna bring something for Wonho, we need to get something for everyone. Let’s just buy a snack for everyone to share.”

 

After some bickering about which snack they should buy (Changkyun wanted cookies, but Hyungwon said it was too much money for the amount of cookies they would get) they decided on a box of Animal Crackers. 

 

“These don’t even taste good,” Jooheon whined.

 

“Who cares? Aren’t we still going to get a snack for ourselves?” Hyungwon shuffled through the store, box of crackers in his hand. He picked out a chocolate ice cream and motioned for the two rappers to come over. “These are cheap.”

 

“You’re so cheap,” Changkyun said jokingly, slapping Hyungwon on the arm.

 

“Do you think we have money to waste?” the vocalist snapped. “We haven’t debuted, and even when we do, we’ll be idols, not millionaires.”

 

Changkyun shied away, sticking closer to Jooheon after being scolded. 

 

“Changkyunnie, I didn’t mean it like that.”

 

“And I didn’t mean to offend you.”

 

Jooheon looked awkwardly between the two before speaking up. “Hey, it’s okay. Let’s not worry about it, a’right?” He reached into the freezer and grabbed a popsicle. “Kyun, pick something.”

 

The youngest did, and they headed to the cash register. Only then did they realize they forgot to grab a snack for their manager, so Hyungwon grabbed the first thing he saw so they could get out of there. 

 

When they were back on the street, Jooheon peeked inside the bag. “What did you get?” he asked. He handed the others their ice creams so he could get to the snack they bought for the manager. Suddenly, he started laughing. “Oh my god, Manager is going to kill us.”

 

“What did I get?” Hyungwon asked, trying to take a look. Jooheon pulled out a stout little can with the horrible words “Silkworm Pupa” printed on the side. “Oh shit.”

 

Changkyun angled Jooheon’s hand in his direction so he could see and immediately groaned. “That is disgusting. How did you not realize what you picked?”

 

Hyungwon shrugged. “I don’t know! The cashier was stressing me out, and she took it so fast that I didn’t get to see the label.”

 

“What did you think it was?” Jooheon questioned between laughs. 

 

“Fruit? Pringles? Something normal that comes in a can?”

 

Changkyun started laughing again. “Pringles don’t even come in a can like that.”

 

Hyungwon grabbed the can from Jooheon and inspected the label. “They’re BBQ flavored. Can it really be that bad?”

 

“It’s silkworm pupae. What do you think?”

 

They stood there in silence, their ice creams melting in their hands. “We’re not gonna debut.”

  
  
  


Minhyuk was on his way to the kitchen when he saw Hyunwoo sitting alone on the couch. The oldest had been doing that a lot lately. He would sit alone in the living room, staring at the blank television. The younger had been taking it upon himself to go cheer up their overly stressed leader.

 

“Hey, papa bear,” Minhyuk greeted. 

 

Hyunwoo’s lips turned up in a smile. “Hey. What’s up?”

 

“Just wanted to check on my favorite teddy.” He plopped onto the couch beside the older. “I can tell you’re stressed out.” Hyunwoo sighed in response. “You’ll be fine.” 

 

“Yeah.”

 

Minhyuk waited for more, but Hyunwoo was a man of very few words. “You know,  I’m here to talk. If you don’t trust anyone else, at least trust me.”

 

“I do, Min. I just never know what to say.”

 

“You don’t need to know what to say,” he replied, rubbing a hand along their leader’s back. 

 

Hyunwoo turned to him, and for a moment, their faces were so close that Minhyuk could feel the warmth radiating off Hyunwoo’s golden skin, and Hyunwoo could feel Minhyuk’s light breath tickling his cheeks. But it was over too soon, as the door burst open and the two pulled away from each other. 

 

The three that had gone to the convenience store earlier had arrived. “I can’t believe he likes those things,” Jooheon said, his voice sounding scarred.

 

“Likes what?” Minhyuk called, curious as always. 

 

Hyungwon shuffled into the living room to say, “Silkworm Pupa,” then leave. Changkyun followed him with a shudder. 

 

“That’s weird,” Hyunwoo said, standing up. “Do you wanna eat their snacks, Min?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> because i wanna know how my loves (you guys) feel about this, are you okay with me focusing on other couples too? i was thinking about making this 100% about changkyun, but i thought it was kinda nice knowing what the others were thinking. if you guys dont really like it tho, i'll focus on ck and maybe turn the others into side oneshots (if im up for it lol) 
> 
> please comment your thoughts!


	14. twelve

Jooheon entered his room, hoping to find Changkyun. The youngest member had been quite secretive lately, and Jooheon was determined to uncover what he was hiding. (Changkyun was very good at keeping secrets, so it was going to be a while before Jooheon could pry and important information out of him.)

 

However, the younger rapper wasn't in his room. Instead, he found Minhyuk sitting on his bed, a laptop open in front of him. 

 

A very familiar laptop. 

 

Minhyuk jumped when the door opened. “Shit, I thought you were Changkyun.”

 

“Is that his laptop?” Jooheon asked. 

 

Minhyuk nodded. “That kid always slams the thing shut whenever I come near him, but he just went to take a shower and left it wide open.”

 

Jooheon snorted, though his heart was beating anxiously. “Damn. Anything good?”

 

“Yeah. Look at this.”

 

Jooheon moved to sit near Minhyuk on the bed. A word  document was open on the screen, and it seemed to have lyrics written on it. 

  
  
  


_ For some reason _

_ I feel smaller when I’m in front of you _

_ But I wanna see you now _

_ My pounding heart beats for you _

 

_ I think I need you _

_ I asked my friends and they said I’m right _

_ I haven’t seen you for a whole day _

_ Thorns appear in my mouth, it hurts a little _

_ You’re different _

_ You’re not ordinary _

_ I won’t ever make you cry _

_ So please come into my arms now _

 

_ I like you, what about you? _

_ If you’re gonna reject me, no thanks _

_ They say love is hard _

_ Without you, my direction is no ways _

 

_ Even if you are shy about being mine, it’s alright _

_ My love, there are days that I will make you laugh _

_ Til your stomach hurts _

  
  
  


The words stopped there. “Wow. Is that all he has on this thing?”

 

“Basically,” Minhyuk shrugged. “His search history only has animal videos and Girls Generation. And all his other documents have a password on them.” 

 

Jooheon looked at the lyrics again. They were clearly a rough draft, but he still wondered how they would sound being sung in Changkyun’s deep voice. 

 

All of a sudden, the door creaked open and the youngest member stepped in, his hair wet. “W-what?” he yelped, lunging to the bed and pulling his laptop away. 

 

“Changkyun—” the older vocalist started. 

 

“No! Don't you guys know not to look through other people’s stuff? I thought I made it clear that it was private.”

 

“It was wide open on your bed, and we were curious.”

 

The youngest was clearly angry. “That doesn't give you a right to look at it.” He started to climb back up to his bunk before saying, “Especially since you knew I wasn't ready to show what was in there yet.”

 

Minhyuk turned to Jooheon, his eyes full of worry. However, the rapper knew that the best thing to do with Changkyun was to leave him alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry for posting so late...its been up on wattpad for a little while, so if you like wattpad, follow me @ snowyxiu !!!! its easier for me to post there bc i dont always have access to a computer.   
> anyways, my fingers are freezing off and it hurts to type, but please feel free to scream at me in the comments <3


	15. chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello people! im so sorry for practically dying and not updating for a bajillion years. i cant say that updates will be normal from now on, but i have felt a bit more motivation! i hope you enjoy this chapter, if youre still reading this. comments would be greatly appreciated, even if you done have much to say!

Changkyun woke up to a soft voice calling his name in the dark. Hyungwon was crouched next to the couch where he had fallen asleep. 

“W-what?” the youngest asked groggily. 

“Get up. You need to sleep in your bed.” 

“I don't want to.”

Hyungwon pouted. “We have to get up early. We’re scheduled to practice at 10.”

Changkyun groaned and rubbed his eyes. “What time is it now?”

“Two in the morning.”

The youngest nodded and sat up. “Why are you up?”

Hyungwon sat back and played with the sleeves of his sweatshirt. Changkyun noticed that the threads were starting to unravel. “I couldn't sleep.”

That's weird. Hyungwon was always the first one to fall asleep and the last one to wake up. From what he knew, the vocalist had never had trouble sleeping. 

“Stressed?”

“I guess.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Changkyun asked, “Would you like to get some fresh air?” 

Hyungwon had never nodded so quickly.

\---

He was a wreck. Changkyun made him a wreck. When he was around their youngest member, his stomach filled up with butterflies, and he couldn't help but make a fool of himself. They had just made it onto the steps of the building when Changkyun started laughing. 

“You look so cute,” the rapper said. He stood on his tip toes and combed his fingers through Hyungwon’s hair. The older leaned into his touch, making the other chuckle a little more. “Let’s get going.” And with that, he was walking down the sidewalk, and the older jolted out of his daydreams. 

“Where are we going?” Hyungwon asked, hoping to hear a bit of the other’s voice. 

“Not sure,” was the only answer he got. Hyungwon decided not to ask again, or ask anything for that matter, and they walked in silence. 

It turned out that Changkyun wanted to go to the convenience store, which was opened 24 hours, to Hyungwon’s surprise. 

“I want to share some cup noodles,” Changkyun said, pulling on the loose strings of his sweatshirt. Hyungwon found his eyes examining the rapper’s wobbly fingers, thinking, oh, how cute— “If you dont mind, that is.” 

It took Hyungwon’s drowsy (and distracted brain) a moment to process the question, and another to respond with a nod and “of course.” Changkyun smiled a bit at him (or was he just imagining that?) and went to search the shelves for a good flavor. Hyungwon watched in a daze that was the product of not sleeping well and simply looking at the adorable boy in front of him. The way Changkyun moved (it was a bit wobbly, now that Hyungwon really payed attention), the way he spoke (that deep rumble that perked up a notch when talking to his elders), the way he ruffled Hyungwon’s hair (but it was obviously platonic; the boy obviously did not have feelings for him). Changkyun was a complex being that Hyungwon was just starting to observe, and though he already knew a bit, there was sure to be more. 

There came a tug on his wrist, and once again, Hyungwon was pulled out of his trance. He looked at the rapper with a blank face. 

“They’re heating up the noodles. Let’s go set up a seat.”

“Ah.” The vocalist let himself be dragged to the singular table near the cash register, where people were allowed to have a snack, granted there was no one else occupying the space. At two in the morning, it would be impressive if there was a line of people waiting to slurp up their cup noodles, but things weren’t too flashy that night. Besides themselves and the tired girl behind the counter, there was no one else in the store. 

Changkyun set the cup of ramen on the table in between them and snapped apart the cheap wooden chopsticks that come with the meal. Hyungwon did the same, noticing the little package before him. They ate in relative silence, sharing from the same cup, and if Hyungwon had been a bit more conscious, he would have noticed how Changkyun pushed the cup towards the older, and he held a napkin under his chin to prevent drops from hitting the table. If he had been a bit more conscious, he would have noticed how Changkyun took small bites, letting him eat most of the noodles. 

If he had been a bit more conscious, he would have noticed the adoring eyes that stared at him, wondering how someone could look so sweet eating cup noodles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked it <3 dont forget to comment, it maakes me feel all bubbly inside and oooh haha! please! im so tired!


End file.
